Fri the 22nd of May – Economy of words

Mara is very sick. Her fever fluctuates between 38 and 40 degrees. She is burning up yet shivers under 3 blankets. She is very tired and hardly speaks. Her sleep is interrupted by severe coughing fits that make her spit. These last few days, she doesn’t even make it to the bathroom. I sit with her and when she gets an attack, she weekly cries out in Italian for a “sciotola”. At first I have no idea what she means, and I hand her tissue papers, a glass, the thermometer, etc... She shakes her head and whispers “sciotola, sciotola” while pointing to a plastic bowl on her side table. This cough is persistent and the doctors are running tests to determine what bacteria are causing the infection. Unfortunately, it has formed a wicked alliance with her nausea and so when she isn’t spitting out phlegm, she is vomiting and bleeding from her nose. Later, when she feels better, she jokes about how she could compete with a Chinaman in a very audiovisual spitting contest.

She’s down to 49 kilos. Luckily the trump has been replaced by intravenous feeding.

On a positive note, this chemo doesn’t make her hair fall out. It is growing unevenly, cropping up on top of her head. Mara compares it to a cockatoo’s crest. She says that when she gets mad, her crest bolts up.

Her mental exhaustion worries me the most. She really wants to get out of here. Since last November Mara has spent more than 3 months caged in a hospital room. Enough to drive anyone to desperation. With this recent infectious complication, her hospital stay may be extended. At Dad’s mere suggestion of the possibility, Mara masters the little strength she has to explode. In French... “Ha non! Je me casse! (I’m outta here)”. I picture her crest rising dangerously. Even though her threats are empty, she has all the right to be enraged. She must find an outlet for her frustration and this emotion helps her to cope with the situation. It is almost tempting to continue provoking her just to get her blood boiling. At least this way she knows she is alive and kicking!