Thu 21st of May - Oma

I leave my “Oma” (Grandmother) behind. She’s a very feisty 87 year old. Quite a character. During my parent’s travels, she was given “custody” of their pets, 3 parrots and 2 cats. These animals are accustomed to human company and leaving them in my sister and my care was a disastrous experience. We were hardly ever home and our feline guests expressed their discontent by leaving numerous “complaints” in most unexpected places such as, for example, our shoes. Oma, like her daughter, is an animal lover and absolutely dotes on them. But as she grows older, it becomes more of a burden for her. In fact, she even struggles with taking care of herself. Of course she will never admit to this. My parents’ visits to the Netherlands over the last years have been more frequent and of longer duration. They then run her household and lovingly spoil all its residents.

Now that Mara’s in Italy, we can’t leave Oma alone and I suggest we either arrange for home care which is government funded or just extra help. Oma is vehemently opposed to the idea. Every time I even hint at it she violently rejects it. Today she shouts at me: “I won’t have a bunch of foreigners in my house.” Apparently with home care, a different person comes by every week and typically isn’t Dutch (By the way, Oma has Indonesian blood and is dark skinned herself…). Then it’s: “I can’t be bothered to explain a thousand times how to do things right. I just won’t do it”. Next she heard from friends: “they’re arrogant and won’t do as they’re told. What’s the point?” And so on... I try reassuring her. We’ll find one suitable person she feels comfortable with. We’ll write everything down so she doesn’t need to explain. I’ll be around in the beginning to make sure they’re not arrogant. She gets more and more wound up and in a final attempt to win this battle, her ultimate threat looms over me like a sword of Damocles: “You take the animals then. That’s the real reason I need help. Without them I can perfectly take care of myself”. She knows I want to be by my sister’s side and I know she’s bluffing. She practically hangs up on me. Since I plan to visit her in the evening, I brace myself for the hard discussion that will follow.

In anticipation of the dreaded moment, I seek the counseling of my trusted advisor, Richard. He is slowly becoming the Rossini Sister’s therapist. In his most professional and soothing tone, he analyses the situation and urges me to find the underlying motives for Oma’s resistance: “I see Paula…Yes Paula…Find the real reason behind the reasons.” I’m lucky he doesn’t charge me.

Perhaps Oma perceives this “defeat” as an admission to old age…Perhaps she is afraid of being left alone. She may think it starts with home care and ends with care in a Home. While I understand her fear, at the moment, we have little other options.

In the evening, after a very heated conversation, she finally concedes to maybe allowing someone to help in a future. She reserves the right to veto anyone she disapproves of. Now, the “simple” task of finding that very special someone rests on my tense shoulders…Happy days…